The adventures of Columbo

Columbo began his first day as a trained police sniffer attack search and rescue dog on a Monday, for that is the first day of the week, and so a good time to start.

Columbo got called to a 'shout' to search for a missing little girl on Mount Snowdon. Columbo put his new training to great use and set about searching for the little girls scent. Her mother was distraught, her father was searching the mountain side franticly and Clive, Columbos handler, was eating a pasty.

Columbo caught the girls scent and bounded off towards a ravine. Columbo crawled* into the tiny gap were the young girl was trapped; quivering, crying, alone and scared.

Columbo looked at the terrified and exhausted girl and recognised her as missing child: Madeline McCann of Priu de Luz fame. This was not the missing girl Columbo was searching for, so he bit her and continued with his search.

Columbo was dishonourably discharged as a rescue dog a week later. He now lives back with Laura and Mike in a house near Lodoreton. Columbo's Police trainer claimed a £1 Million reward for finding Maddie and has recently established an Eastenders themed bar in Mallorca.

Columbo was cold one chilly Sunday morning, so he popped down to sainsburys to get himself a coat, some cornflakes and a loaf of bread.

When he got to the door of the busy national superstore chain there was a large sign saying ‘guide dogs only’ as I may have already mentioned Columbo was a guide dog, but today he was out alone, not guiding anyone.

So Calvin, the super friendly customer service assistant told Columbo he couldn’t come into the store.

Columbo bit him and is now awaiting a court hearing for assault after a super observant community support officer reported the event to the appropriate authorities

Once upon a tune there was a dog. The dog was called columbo. I would have called it snoop, the ideal name for a dog. Yet I wanted to type columbo, despite not being entirely certain how to spell columbo, and so the dog is called columbo.

Columbo was a guide dog, unlike snoop dog whos a rapper, culombo went to the park one day and ‘fouled the pavement’ his owner was fined £60 on the spot by an observant community support officer.

Bastard.

The End

It was Thursday and Columbo had a bangin’ headache. The night before he had been to Panache with his good friends Mike and Laura. Obviously he couldn’t go into the popular night venue, hes a dog, but he sat in the street tied to a railing and chatted with a lady tramp named Polly.

Polly had turned to prostitution at the age of 15 after her step-father forced her to leave home. Columbo thought this was quite unfair but then Polly explained that her father had caught her having sex with a pony in the kitchen. Columbo began to feel quite uncomfortable especially as Polly had a slight twitch in her left eye which gave way to a cheeky grin with each spasm of her eyelid.

Columbo made a polite excuse and began to walk away, forgetting his lead was tied to a post outside Bristol’s leading midweek alternative nightclub; propaganda, as I already explained. The lead went tort and Columbo fell to the floor.

“Aha!” Polly said with a further twitch of her eye. She untied Columbos lead and began dragging him towards a sheltered archway were Polly often took ‘Punters’

“Woof Woof NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” Columbo cried, but no one had heard him.

Some time later Mike and Laura returned to the post where Columbo had been tied to find no trace of their canine companion. Laura cried his name while Mike ordered a small margarita pizza to share.

After a few minutes of searching and a few bites of a frankly mediocre Italian late night snack, an observant community support officer strolled by. He helped Laura search for Columbo and head a faint barking in the distance.

It was columbo! Fucked on heroin that he had taken with Polly in an attempt to delay the impending serious sexual assault, he lay in the doorway next to a comatosed hooker-dog-fucker. An ambulance was called and a vet was soon on site to help Columbo.

Fortunately he was ok and only ended up with a bad headache as did Laura. Mike had gastro-enteritis from the pizza, but all things considered it could have been worse.

And they all lived happily ever after.

It was a mild November eve as Columbo walked along the quayside in Bristol. He had been there as a puppy and recognised the beautiful architecture from the post-pre-Neolithic era.

As Columbo continued his walk he saw a man he recognised, he had short brown hair, glasses and a slight lisp. It was the super observant community support officer we have all heard so much about. Columbo briefly considered pushing the man into the water; with so few people around, and no one likely to miss an, all be it rather observant, community support officer, it seemed like the perfect crime!

Just as Columbo began his run up the community support officer took a step to the left and Columbo jumped, flying into the river, as the CSO stood by. Columbo, who can’t swim, thrashed about franticly as the CSO and other bystanders stood in awe. Just as Columbo was beginning to think he had had his last pedigree chum a police officer jumped into the river and dragged the choking canine to safety.

Columbo collapsed onto the pavement and was violently sick as the drenched policewoman regained her composure. The CSO briefly comforted the soaking police officer before issuing Columbo with another fine for fouling in a public place.

The police woman threw the fine into the river and began shouting at the CSO that, not so long ago, had rescued Columbo from certain death at the hands of Polly the homeless, twitching, animal fucking prostitute. The CSO stood staring blankly at the police woman before issuing her with a fine for littering.

The police officer threw the CSO into the river, picked up Columbo and took him to the warmth and comfort of her police car.

Columbo has since been retrained as a police sniffer, attack and guide dog, and is taking swimming lessons. He’s perfected the doggy paddle, though is struggling with back stroke.

The CSO has not been seen since, though some reports suggest he took early retirement and is now running an eastenders themed bar in Majorca.

The police woman was suspended from duty pending investigation, as in the time she spent tending to Columbo 3 stabbings, 4 burglaries and 2 rapes were carried out in the immediate vicinity.

Mike and Laura continue to visit Columbo at dog training school, though this week Mike was unable to see Columbo due to gastro-entiritus caused by a late night Turkish snack. Laura described it as a “mingin’ Kebab” Columbo added “woof”