Thomas James Bond CBE (a.k.a Tom, Bond, Top Cat, Tiny Cunt, TC and 'The Prince of Whales') is an aspiring young solicitor and popular net-based author based in Bristol. He is an honorary fellow of Oxford, Cambridge, Harvard and Yale Universities, the first ever person to achieve such an academic status, and youngest man ever to receive an honorary fellowship from any of these institutions. Tom reached success through his arrogance towards the social conforms of life, but his downfall was through his temptation to drink and sex.

Born in St. Mary's Hospital, Portsmouth on 30th May 1989, he was raised by his parents Kevin and Sheila Bond in neighbouring Havant. Despite such an under-privileged start in life, Tom quickly showed potential, coming second in a Lego building contest at the age of eight. This sounds like no particular feat, however Tom had accidentally been entered into the 15-18 age range of the contest. In his Year 6 SAT's he received results of levels 6-6-5. He improved on this in his Year 9 SAT's, gaining 7-8-8. He won at place at the prestigious Warblington Secondary School, taking GCSE's in History, English, Science, Drama, IT, Maths, Statistics amongst others, being awarded an unprecedented A* in 18 subjects. He went on to study A levels in Law, Business and History at Havant College, a world-famous, British independent school for boys. Again he received straight A's. He was offered a place to study Law at the University of Bristol, but deferred his entry for a year as he toured Ethiopia teaching children to read, write and hunt more effectively. On his return he became a knighted Commander of the Order of the British Empire for his influential hard work abroad. After a month's partying in Magaluf to celebrate his award and wind down from his hard work, he began his studying in Bristol. He wasn't actually a member of the University of Bristol, as he would tell people, but of the former Polytechnic in the city, the University of the West of England, Bristol. Tom spoke out on his deception in his autobiography 'My Travels with Columbo': "After all my hard work, I didn't want fellow academics to look down on me for my lower status within the world of academia so I lied to make them think higher of me. I now realise this was wrong of me to do and I apologise sincerely to anyone offended, including my sister who was so proud of me and then committed suicide after my lie was outed. I do regret that."
Tom eventually graduated in 1973, being awarded a mere 3rd class honours. However, he was granted a place on the graduate scheme for Slaughter and May solicitors, a world-class firm. Despite being given a £150,000 salary, Tom donates 95% of his salary to the charity he set up to help Ethiopian orphans after his travels there. At Slaughter and May he was promoted to senior partner within 3 days and by the end of the week was the Managing Director and dominant share holder. By the end of his first month in legal employment he became the most celebrated lawyer in the history of British law. His notably low degree, however, is believed to have come about after Tom spent much of time at University more wisely. In his room he developed the now world-famous 'Mendip Dance', with celebrities including Pierce Brosnan Mother Theresa, Beelzebub, Samuel L. Jackson and Homer Simpson being seen to perform it in public, as well as the Beatles, Fall Out Boy, Beethoven and Britney Spears using it in their music videos.
In the same room, he also began his hit online narrative of 'Columbo the Dog', a cute springer spaniel who would be involved in the most delightful tales, pairing Tom's far-reaching imagination with his exceptional linguistic talent. He was also successful in demonstrating his multi-lingual skills, translating the stories himself into over 400 different languages, including Klingon and Spanish. As of October 31st 2008, more than twice the global population were subscribed to the blog, with an extra 15 unsubscribed people estimated to read it daily too.
Before receiving his Man Booker prize for his unprecedented readership, Tom was approached by both Rolex and Tag Heuer to wear their watches as he accepted the prize. The greedy lawyer in Tom shone through and he took both offers, believed to be worth a combined £850,000 deal, and wore one on each wrist when he took the award. He was introduced to the audience on the night, which was held at the Royal Albert Hall, by John Prescott, who mentioned Tom Bond being at the centre of the current economic recession. Tom took offence to this and threw an egg at him from the wings. Prescott accepted this as fate and quickly left the stage. Tom then took over, entering with over 300 springer spaniels, a nod towards the fictitious Columbo of the same breed.
Whilst on holiday in Faliraki it became common knowledge that Tom had contracted oral thrush. It is unknown how this came to be, but there was been widespread speculation from the British tabloids as to how it happened. Tom refuses to comment on the incident.
In 2006, Tom Bond was accused of being a paedophile by the Daily Mail. Their campaign continues to dog Bond to this day. Although the accusations were never confirmed thanks to Toms manipulation of the law, he is still not allowed to come with 100 miles of children. This proves difficult as he lives in a city.
In October 2008, Tom came under close scrutiny from the entire population of England after he became inebriated at the Carling Academy nightclub in Bristol. He took a girl by the name of Gemma home to his mansion in Lodore, North Bristol, and proceeded to have anal sex with her. Inspectors on the scene found evidence of vomit and faeces on his bed sheets, and as a result the incident has been satired by many, from Alistair McGowan to Hugh Edwards on the BBC 10o'clock News. Tom also lost a high proportion of his Christian fan base a result of the incident.
Tom continues to live with his wife, but is not allowed to see his children after the paedophile accusations of 2006.