The adventures of Columbo

Columbo's trip to Holland

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 22:13:10 +0100

one day, while browsing something known as the 'internet', Columbo discovered cheap flights to Holland, courtesy of Europes best low cost airline. For copyright purposes, it shall be known as Bryan-air.

Columbo let out an excited woof at the thought of leaving Lodoreton, albeit briefly, and allbeit to the cesspit of Holland... where rumours had surfaced of an eastenders themed bar being built on every corner by a mysterious business man known as see-es-oh.

After an embarrassing mishap in Customs where Columbo had accidently packed his 'legal' happy pills, Columbo trotted onto the plane with a very sore anus, courtesy of a very enthusiastic cavity search.

While in Amsterdam Columbo ensured that a 'proper clart' (closest dog translation) had his head slammed into a revolving door and subsequently pushed off a bridge, which happen to occur frequesntly throughout the red kennel district.

After this act Columbo thought 'when in Rome' (though he was obviously still in Amsterdam) and headed off to club van der sexx, a wonderful purveyor of dogstitutes. As columbo flashed his clamydia-free proof card, a wonderful whore jumped forward and offered Columbo a 'sukky sukky long time'.

Though distressed by this racial slur, Columbo stepped up to the challenge and humped that girls face off. Oh yes, did i forget to mention? she was 16. at the point of climax, he howled 'ITS STILL LEGALLLLLL!' which Mike and Laura heard in Lodoreton happily awaiting Columbos triumphant return.

Comments

Tom's Wikipedia page

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 18:54:58 +0100

Thomas James Bond CBE (a.k.a Tom, Bond, Top Cat, Tiny Cunt, TC and 'The Prince of Whales') is an aspiring young solicitor and popular net-based author based in Bristol. He is an honorary fellow of Oxford, Cambridge, Harvard and Yale Universities, the first ever person to achieve such an academic status, and youngest man ever to receive an honorary fellowship from any of these institutions. Tom reached success through his arrogance towards the social conforms of life, but his downfall was through his temptation to drink and sex.

Born in St. Mary's Hospital, Portsmouth on 30th May 1989, he was raised by his parents Kevin and Sheila Bond in neighbouring Havant. Despite such an under-privileged start in life, Tom quickly showed potential, coming second in a Lego building contest at the age of eight. This sounds like no particular feat, however Tom had accidentally been entered into the 15-18 age range of the contest. In his Year 6 SAT's he received results of levels 6-6-5. He improved on this in his Year 9 SAT's, gaining 7-8-8. He won at place at the prestigious Warblington Secondary School, taking GCSE's in History, English, Science, Drama, IT, Maths, Statistics amongst others, being awarded an unprecedented A* in 18 subjects. He went on to study A levels in Law, Business and History at Havant College, a world-famous, British independent school for boys. Again he received straight A's. He was offered a place to study Law at the University of Bristol, but deferred his entry for a year as he toured Ethiopia teaching children to read, write and hunt more effectively. On his return he became a knighted Commander of the Order of the British Empire for his influential hard work abroad. After a month's partying in Magaluf to celebrate his award and wind down from his hard work, he began his studying in Bristol. He wasn't actually a member of the University of Bristol, as he would tell people, but of the former Polytechnic in the city, the University of the West of England, Bristol. Tom spoke out on his deception in his autobiography 'My Travels with Columbo': "After all my hard work, I didn't want fellow academics to look down on me for my lower status within the world of academia so I lied to make them think higher of me. I now realise this was wrong of me to do and I apologise sincerely to anyone offended, including my sister who was so proud of me and then committed suicide after my lie was outed. I do regret that."
Tom eventually graduated in 1973, being awarded a mere 3rd class honours. However, he was granted a place on the graduate scheme for Slaughter and May solicitors, a world-class firm. Despite being given a £150,000 salary, Tom donates 95% of his salary to the charity he set up to help Ethiopian orphans after his travels there. At Slaughter and May he was promoted to senior partner within 3 days and by the end of the week was the Managing Director and dominant share holder. By the end of his first month in legal employment he became the most celebrated lawyer in the history of British law. His notably low degree, however, is believed to have come about after Tom spent much of time at University more wisely. In his room he developed the now world-famous 'Mendip Dance', with celebrities including Pierce Brosnan Mother Theresa, Beelzebub, Samuel L. Jackson and Homer Simpson being seen to perform it in public, as well as the Beatles, Fall Out Boy, Beethoven and Britney Spears using it in their music videos.
In the same room, he also began his hit online narrative of 'Columbo the Dog', a cute springer spaniel who would be involved in the most delightful tales, pairing Tom's far-reaching imagination with his exceptional linguistic talent. He was also successful in demonstrating his multi-lingual skills, translating the stories himself into over 400 different languages, including Klingon and Spanish. As of October 31st 2008, more than twice the global population were subscribed to the blog, with an extra 15 unsubscribed people estimated to read it daily too.
Before receiving his Man Booker prize for his unprecedented readership, Tom was approached by both Rolex and Tag Heuer to wear their watches as he accepted the prize. The greedy lawyer in Tom shone through and he took both offers, believed to be worth a combined £850,000 deal, and wore one on each wrist when he took the award. He was introduced to the audience on the night, which was held at the Royal Albert Hall, by John Prescott, who mentioned Tom Bond being at the centre of the current economic recession. Tom took offence to this and threw an egg at him from the wings. Prescott accepted this as fate and quickly left the stage. Tom then took over, entering with over 300 springer spaniels, a nod towards the fictitious Columbo of the same breed.
Whilst on holiday in Faliraki it became common knowledge that Tom had contracted oral thrush. It is unknown how this came to be, but there was been widespread speculation from the British tabloids as to how it happened. Tom refuses to comment on the incident.
In 2006, Tom Bond was accused of being a paedophile by the Daily Mail. Their campaign continues to dog Bond to this day. Although the accusations were never confirmed thanks to Toms manipulation of the law, he is still not allowed to come with 100 miles of children. This proves difficult as he lives in a city.
In October 2008, Tom came under close scrutiny from the entire population of England after he became inebriated at the Carling Academy nightclub in Bristol. He took a girl by the name of Gemma home to his mansion in Lodore, North Bristol, and proceeded to have anal sex with her. Inspectors on the scene found evidence of vomit and faeces on his bed sheets, and as a result the incident has been satired by many, from Alistair McGowan to Hugh Edwards on the BBC 10o'clock News. Tom also lost a high proportion of his Christian fan base a result of the incident.
Tom continues to live with his wife, but is not allowed to see his children after the paedophile accusations of 2006.

Comments

Hallowe'en

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 15:20:50 +0100

Last night Columbo the dog went to a house party dressed as a Zombie. He was promised it would be good, with lots of hot netball girls hosting. The reality was it was shit =(
So he got hammered and trashed the place in his inebriated state. Together with his friends they broke two chairs, put toiletries in a toilet cistern, stole some keys, CD's, porn and lots of drink. They also spilled a lot of the stolen drink all over the carpets, sofas and TV. They then got a taxi home with the same driver as earlier in the evening, as one of Columbo's mates announced that despite the girl he thought he was trying to pull only being sixteen she was still technically 'legal'. The same guy in question also received a text from a girl he did up the bum and threw up on at a club he was at a few weeks previously asking if he was out tonight. He was surpised as after the incident he, understandably, thought he'd never speak to her again! Columbo then microwaved a chicago town pizza whilst all his mug friends went wandering around fishponds looking for an open kebab shop. They were unsuccesful.

Comments

Columbo gets a text

Sat, 25 Oct 2008 13:13:53 +0200

Columbo was on the phone to his mate one day when he reecived a text from a man at work who was probably having a poo.

Columbo did not enjoy this as he was trying to do some work himself/chat to his mate cos the work was really boring.

So COlumbo read the text, and did what the text said even though he couldnt really be arsed.

Which meant that this story is shit
The End

Comments

Columbo gets shanked

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 00:15:49 +0200

Columbo was happily talking to his friend Mike one day when a large bang was heard on the street in normally quiet Lodoreton.

Mike and Columbo ran to the front door to find that, almost unbelievably, a helicopter had crashed into their neighbour Malcolm's roof!

Columbo, remembering his training as a police attack sniffer search and rescue dog darted towards Malcolms' front door.

Unfortunately however he was unable to open it, not due to the large fire that was rampaging behind the closed door, but because Columbo is a dog thus lacks opposable thumbs so could not operate the simple handle.

2 fire enginges, a paramedic, a super observant community support officer and an ice cream van quickly arrived on the scene and screeched to a halt.

Columbo sat across the street and watched as the fire spread through the now decimated house and wept as the screams of Malcolm and his children got fainter yet more piercing with every piecing minute that they remained in there home-turned-incinerator.

Mike suggested that they head to 'spoons for a zeeboo steak. Columbo doesn't really like Zeeboo, but he fancied a pint of Pedigree chum, so they meandered down the road together.

The End.

nite Mike xx

Comments

Columbo goes home

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 17:08:34 +0200

Columbo made an agreement with Mike to do something interesting each week while Mike had gone home to work at popular luxury food store Marks and (for legal reasons) Twencers.

This weekend however Columbo had gone home to see his parents. He was also going to see his friend Ben, who Columbo is quite sure, despite Nickys accusations, is not gay.

So Columbo hasnt been up to much exciting. He has perfected the back stroke though. And he had a pint with Pudsey the bear earlier in the week. Perhaps he will appear again some day soon...

Comments

Columbo in a hurry

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 11:15:04 +0200

Columbo was in a rush one day, for he had seminar prep to be getting on with and the torts stuff was reeeeally hard

So columbo grabbed his laptop between his teeth and ran down the road to his friend Jades house. Sadly on the way he tripped over his tail and dropped his laptop.

As Columbo stared sadly at the shattered remains of his Toshiba Latima 41E his arch nemisis the super observant community support officer drove past in a Renault Megane Scenic 1.2 tdi pointing and laughing at our canine companion.

"woof!" Columbo barked, as he thought to himself 'can it be?!'

Indeed it was, the community support officer had returned from his Eastenders themed bar in Mallorca for reasons that shall, no doubt, be explained in a later installment of COLUMBO THE DOG

Comments

Columbo's summer

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 20:57:14 +0200

Columbo began his first day as a trained police sniffer attack search and rescue dog on a Monday, for that is the first day of the week, and so a good time to start.

Columbo got called to a 'shout' to search for a missing little girl on Mount Snowdon. Columbo put his new training to great use and set about searching for the little girls scent. Her mother was distraught, her father was searching the mountain side franticly and Clive, Columbos handler, was eating a pasty.

Columbo caught the girls scent and bounded off towards a ravine. Columbo crawled* into the tiny gap were the young girl was trapped; quivering, crying, alone and scared.

Columbo looked at the terrified and exhausted girl and recognised her as missing child: Madeline McCann of Priu de Luz fame. This was not the missing girl Columbo was searching for, so he bit her and continued with his search.

Columbo was dishonourably discharged as a rescue dog a week later. He now lives back with Laura and Mike in a house near Lodoreton. Columbo's Police trainer claimed a £1 Million reward for finding Maddie and has recently established an Eastenders themed bar in Mallorca.

Comments

Columbo goes to the shops

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 15:09:37 +0200

Columbo was cold one chilly Sunday morning, so he popped down to sainsburys to get himself a coat, some cornflakes and a loaf of bread.

When he got to the door of the busy national superstore chain there was a large sign saying ‘guide dogs only’ as I may have already mentioned Columbo was a guide dog, but today he was out alone, not guiding anyone.

So Calvin, the super friendly customer service assistant told Columbo he couldn’t come into the store.

Columbo bit him and is now awaiting a court hearing for assault after a super observant community support officer reported the event to the appropriate authorities

Comments

Columbo goes to the park

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 15:08:20 +0200

Once upon a tune there was a dog. The dog was called columbo. I would have called it snoop, the ideal name for a dog. Yet I wanted to type columbo, despite not being entirely certain how to spell columbo, and so the dog is called columbo.

Columbo was a guide dog, unlike snoop dog whos a rapper, culombo went to the park one day and ‘fouled the pavement’ his owner was fined £60 on the spot by an observant community support officer.

Bastard.

The End

Comments

Columbo goes to Panache

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 15:07:02 +0200

It was Thursday and Columbo had a bangin’ headache. The night before he had been to Panache with his good friends Mike and Laura. Obviously he couldn’t go into the popular night venue, hes a dog, but he sat in the street tied to a railing and chatted with a lady tramp named Polly.

Polly had turned to prostitution at the age of 15 after her step-father forced her to leave home. Columbo thought this was quite unfair but then Polly explained that her father had caught her having sex with a pony in the kitchen. Columbo began to feel quite uncomfortable especially as Polly had a slight twitch in her left eye which gave way to a cheeky grin with each spasm of her eyelid.

Columbo made a polite excuse and began to walk away, forgetting his lead was tied to a post outside Bristol’s leading midweek alternative nightclub; propaganda, as I already explained. The lead went tort and Columbo fell to the floor.

“Aha!” Polly said with a further twitch of her eye. She untied Columbos lead and began dragging him towards a sheltered archway were Polly often took ‘Punters’

“Woof Woof NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” Columbo cried, but no one had heard him.

Some time later Mike and Laura returned to the post where Columbo had been tied to find no trace of their canine companion. Laura cried his name while Mike ordered a small margarita pizza to share.

After a few minutes of searching and a few bites of a frankly mediocre Italian late night snack, an observant community support officer strolled by. He helped Laura search for Columbo and head a faint barking in the distance.

It was columbo! Fucked on heroin that he had taken with Polly in an attempt to delay the impending serious sexual assault, he lay in the doorway next to a comatosed hooker-dog-fucker. An ambulance was called and a vet was soon on site to help Columbo.

Fortunately he was ok and only ended up with a bad headache as did Laura. Mike had gastro-enteritis from the pizza, but all things considered it could have been worse.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Comments

Columbo attacks

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 15:06:03 +0200

It was a mild November eve as Columbo walked along the quayside in Bristol. He had been there as a puppy and recognised the beautiful architecture from the post-pre-Neolithic era.

As Columbo continued his walk he saw a man he recognised, he had short brown hair, glasses and a slight lisp. It was the super observant community support officer we have all heard so much about. Columbo briefly considered pushing the man into the water; with so few people around, and no one likely to miss an, all be it rather observant, community support officer, it seemed like the perfect crime!

Just as Columbo began his run up the community support officer took a step to the left and Columbo jumped, flying into the river, as the CSO stood by. Columbo, who can’t swim, thrashed about franticly as the CSO and other bystanders stood in awe. Just as Columbo was beginning to think he had had his last pedigree chum a police officer jumped into the river and dragged the choking canine to safety.

Columbo collapsed onto the pavement and was violently sick as the drenched policewoman regained her composure. The CSO briefly comforted the soaking police officer before issuing Columbo with another fine for fouling in a public place.

The police woman threw the fine into the river and began shouting at the CSO that, not so long ago, had rescued Columbo from certain death at the hands of Polly the homeless, twitching, animal fucking prostitute. The CSO stood staring blankly at the police woman before issuing her with a fine for littering.

The police officer threw the CSO into the river, picked up Columbo and took him to the warmth and comfort of her police car.

Columbo has since been retrained as a police sniffer, attack and guide dog, and is taking swimming lessons. He’s perfected the doggy paddle, though is struggling with back stroke.

The CSO has not been seen since, though some reports suggest he took early retirement and is now running an eastenders themed bar in Majorca.

The police woman was suspended from duty pending investigation, as in the time she spent tending to Columbo 3 stabbings, 4 burglaries and 2 rapes were carried out in the immediate vicinity.

Mike and Laura continue to visit Columbo at dog training school, though this week Mike was unable to see Columbo due to gastro-entiritus caused by a late night Turkish snack. Laura described it as a “mingin’ Kebab” Columbo added “woof”

Comments